Thoughts and questions

I have been thinking lately, at least starting thoughts and ideas, but then they are interrupted. I think a lot in the shower, but sadly showers aren't as frequent as they should be. I sit to journal but am interrupted. Kids are the explanation.
A few years back, I was upset that I had a journal that had nearly every page scribbled on. Really! Every page, page after page. It must have taken the toddler boy Zac a while to do this, but even so, it was done. I was telling this to an older friend of mine, and she responded that what he did was the essence of my journaling for that time of life. It was proof that I have small children that are ruining my stuff, causing headaches and into everything they shouldn't be. She said that when I was older, it would be my favorite journal to look back on because it was when they were still my babies that would sit on my lap and be rocked. That wise woman, I am sure, is right.

Anyway, back to fragmented thoughts...the point is I have had ideas and thoughts on my mind that are all too often interrupted by a crying baby, a curious toddler, an incorrigible 5 year old and an imaginative 7 year old. And when there is time to think fluently, I should shower or just go to bed and die, I mean sleep. So I choose neither to be clean or rested, instead I shall blog...at least until Gage is hungry again or until Steve gets home from his meetings- the others are in bed.

I have been thinking of when people ask me "so what is it like to have 4?" I got a similar question when I had Trev, "What is it like with 3?" At that time and now, we are 4 weeks out...in short, it is life-altering. Just like it was when Steve and I married, and then had Jenna, and Zac, etc. It takes adjustment and even tears as we contort to the changes and bend as we lose some control because another person is here with their own agency, personality, needs and well, more needs. It makes me cry and laugh. It's hard and incredibly fun at times. It will continue to be this way.

The answer is the same to Jenna's question tonight in the tub as I am helping scrub her hair. The baby is mildly fussy in the background, and the other boys are in their rooms "in bed" after some degree of chaos and some amount of harping and hurrying. Sweetly and innocent,"Mommy, tell me what it is like to be a mom?" Hum. "Well Jenna it is hard at times and fun at times, but most of all it is wonderful because I love my kids so much...no matter what." Then Jenna says, "Do you know what I don't like about being a mom?" I am thinking, "O great!". I say, "what's that?" She says, very perceptive, "When the baby is crying and wants to eat, when you have to potty train a toddler, when some else wants something and then the doorbell rings!" I laughed and said, "yep, it can be hard to manage."

I am glad that Jenna still wants to be a mom even though she already knows the reality of it to some extent. I like that she has been praying at night in family prayer that I can do a good job at work...well I have been off for 5 weeks now. I think, in my mind, that I do need prayers to do a good job at work...within the walls of my home. It is hard to be a mom. It's hard to bend and contort and appreciate the scribbles. I hope that my interpretation of Jenna's prayer can be answered, and I can do a good job. And even though I am proud of precocious Jenna, maybe after some adjusting, she can be a little less aware of the difficulty of motherhood and more aware of the joys.

..."Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction."
-Elder M. Russell Ballard