To those of you with beautiful homes...

lifeI walked over to the neighbors house today looking quite disheveled at 7pm and asked if I could have a diaper. She was kind and smiley even though I know she must think we are awful over here with our hideous yard and all the screaming in the back yard (albeit playful) and all yelling that must seep out the windows. Anyway, she was smiley and kind and graciously offered more than 1. I saw her 3 year old daughter there with her curly pony tail with oversized, super adorable bow and as I looked past the 2 of them and their somewhat well behaved dog, I saw her living room, and I swear I heard music "ah ah ahhhh". It was perfect.
She was happy and smiley and kind, her daughter was cute, her dog was good and her home was clean and decorated to the 9s. I reached out and took the diaper, smiled and offered that if she ever needed anything to just ask...but I couldn't finish the sentence. Maybe I didn't feel like I had anything to offer.
I walked over to my house with the broken front door, to the noise of kids protesting bed, to the smell of food that I would need to clean up, to the old, stained carpets, to the laundry on the couch, to the dirty baseboards and walls, to the task of nursing the baby and putting him down in a sleeper that barely fits, showering and heading off to the store for groceries and diapers with x amount of needs and wants and y amount of dollars.
I mentioned to my husband her kindness and that her house was beautiful and he responded matter of fact, essentially, that that is not who I am. Ouch! Cuts deep when the things that you like least about yourself are driven home by the ones you love.
I thought about this in the shower. I thought that comparing ourselves to others is a detrimental thing to one's mental and emotional health.
There is just not enough time in the day, creativity in my brain and organizational and other talents for me to do all that is required by society, church, and my own standards. I think of this neighbor and wonder if she has her moments? Surely she does.

I see women and I wonder how they do it...their cars are clean, their hair is smooth, their lipstick is crisp, there smile is white, their kids are dressed in the right size clothing all the time, their daughters hair is not in their faces, their babies are never without diapers, their house doesn't smell, their closets are organized, they can shut the laundry room door because there is not too much laundry to block the entrance. They journal, they go to church, they read with their kids everyday. Their kids are in extra curriculars, their kids are well behaved. They pack their kids and husbands lunch, they are always early, they smell like perfume, they have time to clip coupons, eat right, cook well, and go to the gym or even exercise at all in their cute clothes, they are "practically perfect in every way". Is this what I want? Well, duh, YES! But given my circumstances at this time: working full time at night, little sleep, 3 small children, limited money..this is not who I am...and perhaps even with different circumstances I wouldn't be that woman. But does she even exist? I guess my husband was right.
To those of you with a beautiful house, you stress me to no end.